See what I did there? Oh My Gawsh I am so funny. I should, like, become a comedian or something.Or maybe not... I probably just think I'm funny because I've been having to listen to the MOST BORING ARGUMENT EVER. I mean seriously there was no blood or anything. Well, I guess it was OK at first what with the bantering back and forth in Norwegian. I, unfortunately, lack the gift of the Norwegian tongue but I will try to guesstimate (yes, I said guesstimate) what they were saying in italics.
"Jeg beklager!" Ull cried pointing at me, "Jeg prøver bare å bli kvitt denne skadedyr!"
I'm a big weinerdog! I failed to catch this amazing, brilliant, handsome young man!
Skade replied, "Du store tosk, jeg ikke bryr seg om hva du gjorde til at fattige, stygge barnet. Ikke vekke meg opp fra min lur igjen!"
Yes, yes you are, you stupid man! Apologize to him for being so mean!
"Jeg er så lei meg," Ull said, "Ta denne stygge barn som bevis. Du kan bruke ham som din personlige slavej!"
I'm such a big weinerdog. Don't worry. I will show my forgiveness to him by becoming his own personal slave.
"Aw you don't have to do that," I kindly interjected.
"Silence! It will happen and there is nothing you can do about it!" Ull exclaimed to me.
"Well, okay, if you say so," I replied.
"It is what I say so!" Ull declared, and all of a sudden he leaped at me, grabbed my arms, and tied them together behind my back with a bow string.
"Hey! That's no way to treat your master!"
"Har har har. Skade here is now your master!" Ull laughed.
There must have been some miscommunication.
"Aaaahhh!! Leeet me gooooo!" I hollered, "Or face the wrath of my karate power!"
Okay so maybe I quit after the third lesson, but he couldn't know that, right?
"Har har har," Ull laughed again, "You don't know karate. I can see your white belt."
Darn, I should really stop wearing that in public.
Ull handed me over to Skade and said, "Do whatever she says!"
I glanced up at Skade. She looked at me like I was some lowlife that didn't deserve to live much less be in her presence.
"I suppose I could find some task for him to do, " Skade snorted.
Ull left us to go skiing or something.
"Come along," Skade said as she started back toward the house.
When we reached the building, she pulled out her keys and unlocked and opened the door.
Once inside she put the keys back into her pocket, turned around to face me, and said, "First you must wash all of my skis..."
I shuddered. Oh well, I just wash a couple skis and I'm done. That's not too bad.
"All nine thousand and one of them," she finished.
"Over nine thousand??!?!" I stated in disbelief.
"Yes," Skade confirmed, "Just one over."
"Nine thousand??!?!"
"Uhuh," Skade said starting to become annoyed.
"Nuh... nuh... nuh... niiine th... th... thousand?" I stuttered.
"FREAKIN' YES!" she yelled.
She showed me to her ski room.
"Gah!" I exclaimed. "There really are OVER NINE THOUSAND skis.
"Yes, now get to work. I'll check on you in an hour." She locked the door and left.
I stared in horror at mountainous pile of skis.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
I had to come up with a way out of here. But how? How could I escape a locked room in a big house in the middle an enchanted evergreen forest home to two Scandinavian skiing deities. Come on, Bosh, think! THINK!
Oh did I sure think! I thought so much my head exploded.
Oops...
I quickly found all the pieces to my head and glued them all back together.
I looked around. Uh oh. Skade ain't gonna like this.
Nine thousand of the skis had totally disintegrated.
Then I realized the explosion had blown a hole in the wall.
"FREEEEEEEEDOOOM!!!" I screamed.
"Oi, what was that?" It was Skade. She sounded like she was right outside the room in the hallway.
Oh Crap.
I ran to the newly created opening while reaching to pull out my portable sled. I stopped, remembering that my portable sled was currently destroyed by a certain singing tree.
I could now hear the jingle of Skade's keys as she pulled them out of her pocket.
I scanned the room. All that was in there was the lonely ski. Without thinking about how I despised the ski, I grabbed it and ran to the hole.
As I hurried to the opening I heard the rattle of the doorknob slowly turning. I had just reached the outside when I heard the creak of the door opening. When I hit the snow on the single ski I heard Skade yelling.
"What happened to my skis? What's this? A giant hole in the wall? I had world famous interior designers create the wall!"
As I reached the gate I heard a distant Skade exclaim, "Oh, I'll get you, you strange, two-dimensional, black and white boy with a red and white striped scarf if it's the last thing I do!"
Psh... Yeah right...
I hastily climbed over that fence and got the heck outta there.
Now I am home riding the lines in peace. I learned something from this little adventure: When you marry your cousin, it messes you up.
C U L8ER
-Bosh
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